I find it funny that while I have never had an overly egotistical view of myself, I have always thought of myself as a mostly “good person”. The older I get and the further along on my walk with the Lord I get, the more I realize that I am not a good person. In reality people are mostly not good. This is the complete opposite of what I thought most of my life.
I see that my natural inclinations are to judge others, lash out in anger and to think of my own circumstances before others. My natural inclination is to be selfish.
I have never really had a problem accepting my faults and I am fully aware that I don’t measure up, but lately, God has been convicting my heart in so many areas. I continue to be hard on myself and expect that I should be able to stop doing something whenever I decide to. Then God usually sends me a gentle reminder that when I am done wrestling whatever it is that I have been wrestling, He will be there, waiting patiently for me to lay it all down before Him.
He is always reaching out to me, telling me that He can do all things if I would just give them over to Him. Even as I am typing this very blog right now, I look over to my phone that has my daily scripture on it saying “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13.
Will I ever learn? Will I ever get to the point where I will recognize the filth in me and just bring it before God right then and there? Am I going to continue to try to overcome all things myself? Who am I trying to impress when I do this? God? Myself? Who am I kidding?
I am not a naturally good person just trying to let the good shine through. I am a naturally selfish and filthy person who basks in God’s grace and begs for Him to change my very core. I plead for Him to take away the insecurities, the judging, the anger, the pain. Only He can do these things. I can’t do these things.
Have I rambled on enough in this post? I am having one of those days where I am feeling quiet and thoughtful. Pondering all the things that have been coming out of me these days that I hate. I hate them yet they are still part of me. All I can do is continue to pray and ask for change. God will make then changes that are needed in His time and not a moment before. I am also looking back to see all the things He has changed in me over the years and how amazing it is.
Today I would encourage you all to take a moment to think back to where you were, where you are and where you are heading. Thank God for all He has brought into and out of your life and remember to give Him all that you are and He will never let you down.