The darkness

These past few weeks have been particularly difficult for me. I have felt a heaviness all around me and have been quite crabby! God has been moving mightily in my life and I should be rejoicing all the day long. Don’t get me wrong, I continued to sing His praises and share with everyone the wonders He has been working in this life, but the feeling of joy was not there. I had glimmers of joy and happy about the things taking place but still felt that heavy darkness and could not figure out why.

Sure I have been stressed out while coordinating all things that need to be coordinated when you’re moving, sure I have a hectic schedule that is always full….but this should not be enough to dampen the happiness I had for the awesome things happening in my life!

Then it dawned on me, I have been attending a Bible study that is helping me to dive deep into scripture rather than just skimming it. I have been working with God on finding the root of my food issues. I have been writing this blog. I have been talking with a few ladies about spiritual struggles they have been dealing, offering support and perspective. I have been lifting up my anger and need to swear in hopes that God can take them away. I have been allowing Jesus to work through me in more ways than I ever realized.

So, this is the source of the heaviness, I have ben opening myself up and asking for healing and depth. This means that God will be stirring up those dark places I have buried deep inside. He is doing the very thing I beg for Him to do regularly. He reaches down into those places that I don’t want to face, the hurt, the pain, the festering wounds I push down deep. He flushes these places with His love and light, He begins the healing process.

This can be hard, the old feelings surface and I am thrown out of my comfort zone. It is uncomfortable and exhausting. Especially when I am unsure what is causing the discomfort to begin with. Knowing is half the battle and is helping me to go with the flow. It still hurts, is still difficult and still weighs heavy on me but now I can reach out and ask for help with the process as well. I am able to tell my family where I am and what I am going through and ask for their prayers rather than pushing them away and being miserable in my own little world.

Growing and healing old wounds is not always  beautiful but the outcome sure is. God is amazing and I can rest in the fact that he loves me and wants me to be healed. He wants the very best for me and my family and this makes the painful process that much easier.

1 Corinthians 2:9 English Standard Version (ESV)

9 But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”—

Jesus is amazing and I love that He loves us all!

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One thought on “The darkness

  1. I just wanted to share with you an excerpt from a recent entry into my journal, which is my comparison of our spiritual healing to our bodies physical healing. Being in healthcare, I have come face to face with some real deep wounds, that take a long time to heal As they heal, the edges start to close in, but sometimes there is yellow gunk, called slough, that needs to be scraped off in order for the wound to heal. The beefy, red, healthy tissue, called granular tissue, fill the inner portions of the wound bed when healing is in full swing, but that tissue is fragile and sensitive. It relies on constant cleaning (which can be painful) and blood and oxygen to fully heal, to a point wear the skin finally covers the entire wound. Funny thing is, once it is healed and completely covered with skin, it is always classified as a wound, in the “wound healing” world.

    God is alive. The Holy Spirit IS working in our midst. He has revealed these things to you, as you’ve written today, and He has revealed these things to me, almost in the same period of time. If we were all a bit more willing to share our testimonies of what God is showing us, we would see that He is doing great things. But we need to dig, and not be afraid of the dark places. Thank you for being so willing to let us into your dark places. Love you!!

    So, here it is…..

    “These emotions run so deep. They consume me in the deep places. The places I don’t like to visit. The places I keep secret. The emotions I’ve learned to live through. To work through. To hide. To forget. Because wounds hurt. And they often hurt even after we think they are healed. When the wound bed starts to close and the new skin grows in from the sides toward the middle, slowly narrowing the healthy granular tissue that fills the inner parts. But then the debriding. Getting the slough off the edges, so more healthy skin can grow. Getting the slough out of the middle is really painful. Touching the parts where the wound is still red. Where the buds of fresh skin grow under the continual supply of blood. Of oxygen. Of life.

    Isn’t that how it goes? Doesn’t Jesus just know that we ARE the body of Christ? And how we learn so much about being a part of The Body by having His spirit, our spirit, living in these earthly bodies? We hurt. We scar. We heal. Healing only comes when we allow NEW blood to cover the wound. Jesus’ blood. Without the blood, there is no healing. And sometimes, we must facilitate the flow of blood by getting the gunk off. Cleansing. Removing the gunk hurts. We must come clean with our past. We need to talk about it. It needs to be revealed. To be brought into the light. We need to feel the hurt and cry the tears. Only after we come face to face with those things, can we give them to Jesus, in order that His blood may heal. Don’t we know this. By His wounds we are healed.”

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