Certainty in the midst of uncertainty

So many people have shared with me that they see strength, certainty and self-confidence in me, especially when in the midst of troubled times. I think I laugh every single time I hear that. I am glad that I can come off as someone who “has it all together” as it comes in handy in my professional life. I am more than happy to share with everyone that I am quite uncertain all the time! I question my decisions, my motives and my abilities every day! I do not necessarily dwell on them. If I have been looking to the Holy Spirit for guidance, I can rest on that. If I have been moving in my flesh, then I need to seek forgiveness and then let it go. Sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

When I was younger, I had a false sense of confidence that I portrayed in order to hide my vulnerable side. I would put on a very tough exterior in order to keep people out and to keep from having to face my wounds. Today, I have a certainty that I wish for all, a foundation that has literally changed my life. I am confident in the fact that I am a child of God and that He is working such amazing miracles in my life each and every day. This is NOT an exaggeration.

Since I have come to know Jesus, He has brought me to places within me that I locked away long ago. There are so many experiences in my short time here on earth, that have damaged me deeply and have brought me such shame. As I have learned to allow Him access to these places, He has shown me just how much He loves me and has brought such healing. This is a testament to the power our Lord has, this is something I can stand on in moments of uncertainty.

As my path takes me into new and uncharted areas, I am most definitely terrified, uncertain and stepping out in pure faith. This does not necessarily make it easier to do, but I do know that no matter what, my God is on my side. I mean, how can I question the Creator of the very ground I stand on? He has shown me that He loves me, He has met me in my hour of need every time. He has taken care of my emotional, spiritual and physical needs beyond what I could have ever imagined.

I am a child of God. I am here for a reason, He has a purpose for this life. I have found that I can trust Him and that is what allows me to step out in places unknown, despite the anxieties that try to keep me from doing so. My spirit longs to be used by our Living God and that is something I have to remind my flesh of often. I have to make an effort to rest in Him and to know that He is God. He is for me. Who can be against me when He is by my side? These words ring so true in my heart.

I know I have a long journey ahead of me and have so much more to learn. I know that I am not even close to having a clue! The thing is, that I don’t have to. I am learning that I don’t always need to know the long term plan, I just need to know that this is where God has me going right now. There are people in my life right now that are there for a reason. Maybe I am to learn from them, maybe they are learning from me, maybe it goes both ways. All I can do and want to do, is to seek His face in all I do. I want to know that no matter how far off I am, He is right there. No matter how many times I fall, He is there to pick me up. No matter how insignificant I feel, He knows me and cares more for me than I could even begin to understand. That is a certainty that I can stand on, even when I don’t feel it in the moment.

I am so thankful that Jesus has been breaking down my false self-confidence and has been replacing it with the knowledge that He will always equip me for any journey He asks me to embark upon. The key is to wait on Him and to allow Him to lead the way. I cannot forge ahead on my own just as I cannot procrastinate in my insecurities. I must seek our Lord in all things and let Him show me the steps I need to take, that is when the miracles happen. Take it before the cross and you will be amazed at the outcome!


Proverbs Study Day 13

Day 13 already, I feel like we just started this study! Let us see what God’s Word will say to our hearts today.


Proverbs 13

A wise child accepts a parent’s discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction. Wise words will win you a good meal, but treacherous people have an appetite for violence. Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything. Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper. The godly hate lies; the wicked cause shame and disgrace. Godliness guards the path of the blameless, but the evil are misled by sin. Some who are poor pretend to be rich; others who are rich pretend to be poor. The rich can pay a ransom for their lives, but the poor won’t even get threatened. The life of the godly is full of light and joy, but the light of the wicked will be snuffed out. Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise. Wealth from get-rich-quick schemes quickly disappears; wealth from hard work grows over time. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. People who despise advice are asking for trouble; those who respect a command will succeed. The instruction of the wise is like a life-giving fountain; those who accept it avoid the snares of death. A person with good sense is respected; a treacherous person is headed for destruction. Wise people think before they act;  fools don’t—and even brag about their foolishness. An unreliable messenger stumbles into trouble, but a reliable messenger brings healing. If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept correction, you will be honored. It is pleasant to see dreams come true, but fools refuse to turn from evil to attain them. Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble. Trouble chases sinners, while blessings reward the righteous. Good people leave an inheritance to their grandchildren, but the sinner’s wealth passes to the godly. A poor person’s farm may produce much food, but injustice sweeps it all away. Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. The godly eat to their hearts’ content, but the belly of the wicked goes hungry.

What did I take away from this chapter today:

As a woman who was once wicked and who now walks with the Lords, I feel thankful. I can attest to the death, destruction, and pain that occurs when you’re outside of God’s will. I can tell you that I was unaware of how destructive my life was until I began to accept God’s Love and Grace. I fought against Jesus for so long, felling like it would bring judgment and resentment into my life, I was do wrong. True Christianity is simply following Jesus. Accepting His freely given Grace and allowing Him to heal us brings such peace.

Jesus is greater, He is stronger, and He loves us all. Even when I was actively His enemy, due to actions of man, He still loved me. I choose His ways and to wait upon Him in all things.

He shows us the error of our ways and disciplines us because He loves us. I put boundaries in place for my own children, for their own good and out of love. How much more so does our Great Creator?

My prayer today:

Lord, thank You for not giving up on any of us. I pray that we all remember to keep our eyes on You in all things and to choose to do the right things always. Let us not succumb to the wickedness of this world as it is only temporary, You are eternal. In the precious name of Jesus I pray these things.



I forgive you. You have hurt me deeply through the years and I do not excuse those actions. My pain is real. I cannot take personal responsibility for your actions, I can only do that for my own. The lying, stealing and negativity. The inconsistency and lack of love felt have scarred me deeply. The hurt still weighs heavily on my chest and shoulders.

I need to let this go.

I am choosing to look to God for His healing. He is faithful and true. He has forgiven me for my many transgressions and I hope you will too. I know I have hurt you also. I have done so many things that have brought me shame. I do not make excuses for these things, I was a different person then. Broken and blind to the love offered. I was focused on the depravity and darkness this world offers. I have found the light. I have a new hope to look to each and every morning, Jesus.

Forgiving does not mean we forget. No, we never forget. All we can do is to accept past failures, move out of the pain and allow the blame to be washed away. We can choose to learn from these moments and grow from the experiences. Move forward. Let go. We can choose to say yes to a full life of joy and peace. We can stop wrestling with the past wrongs, the what ifs.

Letting go is not easy, making the choice to move on and forgive is not a smooth transition, but this is my choice today. I place my pride at the feet of Jesus and pray that He will help me to be vulnerable and help me through the fear. I know the reward is greater than the struggle.

I choose life, I choose hope and I choose forgiveness.

Your loving daughter,


God Flow

As my relationship with Christ deepens I become more aware of how His work flows. I can see how some life events can burst forth this flow of God’s love and transformation.

God has blessed been blessing me with a peek at the work He is doing in this world.

One event that can seem like such a curse in that moment you are enduring the storms. I have found that if you can stand still for just a moment, you may catch a glimpse of His power stretching out beyond your moment, beyond your small space in this world. You can see how those around are being touched by His Spirit. A simple word, a small prayer, an act of kindness that normally never would be.

Believers and Unbelievers alike can be changed and transformed by God’s touch if you allow His light to shine.

As my blended family dealt with drama, stress and rejection, I was able to sit back and watch Him flow. I was touched by how everyone in my little family allowed themselves to be human and express their feeling, but to also know when to be silent and offer kindness and love.

I heard of other’s being touched by the acceptance and love that flowed from our home, even when our flesh was screaming for justice!

Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Despite the slaps in the face we were receiving from all side. The pressure was cooking our emotions, they were raw, they were tired, they were done. Despite all the adversity, we all chose to grow in some way, we all chose to react differently. That was God. Only the Holy Spirit can bear this fruit in such a place.

Helping hands extended, manipulations brought to a halt, we were real.

This is not to say that emotions didn’t flow, this is not to say that words came out when they shouldn’t have. We are all still human. There was a distinct difference this time. Jesus was working in us through this trial. We leaned back on our faith and let Him bring us through it and we were all the better because of it.

The ripples of His work spread as we shared and chose differently and let Jesus lead the way through.

My only prayer is that we can continue to do that each time life’s storms come to our homes. What a better place this would be.



Interesting place to be

I have mentioned being in a weird place before and have not been able to put my finger on it. God has been amazing in my life these past few years and I think I am in a place of awe. Sometimes I think maybe I have become stagnant in my walk but God immediately shows me that this is not the case. Other times I start to feel unworthy and like I am failing in my growth and the God reminds me that the enemy will feed me lies when I am in such a place.
Maybe just learning to finally rest in God and His love for me?  Looking at where I came from as a child and a teen to the woman God has molded me to be today. Realizing how amazing it is when you give control over to Him and allow Him to do the work in you that He wants to do….it’s all great.
Professionally I am finally in a position that suits me prefectly. I always question if I still want to be in hospice and then I realize just what an amazing job this is and to be working for a company that has the patient’s and employee’s best interest at heart is truly rewarding. The 6 years I have been in this field have geared up to this and I absolutely love it, despite just how crazy and overwhelming it can be. My company rocks and I am surrounded by people who have been in hospice for sometime and want to work together to keep the core hospice ideals in place always.
My marriage is great, never been more comfortable and it is absolutely amazing to see the work God has been doing in each of us individually as well as in us as a couple. We will always butt heads and struggle with things because we are human and have a million kids, but over all I can’t complain. No one can embarrass me or get me angry like he can, but he is the most loving, thoughtful, kind person once you get past all that and I am honored to be his wife! (i know, gag :-p)
Kids are awesome, I like sitting back and watching them. The girls are so helpful and really pitch in with the household and family responsibilities. They are far from perfect but they really are amazing kids. One of my daughters was cooking while finishing her homework last night because she really wanted to! (how could I say no to that??) MY younger daughter had a melt down but bounced back, talked to me about it and cleaned her room, played with hr little brother and helped with laundry. All my girls bicker all the time but they also do sweet things for each other like make the other breakfast while she is still getting dressed. I have made it a point to build them up in those things so that I am not the mom that is always telling them what they need to correct. They are hitting puberty and that is definitely showing but I find that I am not dreading the teen years as much. It’s a part of life and a season they are entering in to. I just pray that they will continue to make good decisions and stay open with me about their challenges. Life is short and I don’t want to spend it complaining about the beautiful things that can be difficult.
I am enjoying blogging again and think I may have found the type of blog that is best suited for me, for now any way :-p Periodically I wonder if anyone really reads it or is benefitting from my ramblings at all and this is when someone will come up to me nd thank me for writing, so I continue to do so.
I have been battling with Reiki and how I feel about it spiritually and it has been utilized quite a bit in this position which is what I have wanted for some time. After a lot of prayer, a lot of research and a lot of discussing it I think I am in a place of accepting it and using it for God’s glory.
I am in a place where I am digging deeper into the world around me yet am feeling that disconnect as we are to be in the world but not of it, it’s an interesting transition and I am excited to see where we go from here!
I love you all and thank God each and every day for the people I come across in this life.